On things that aren’t ours

So here’s the problem: I’ve long wanted to write about piracy and the like for software/music, but struggled with finding a balance between the obvious heavy handed route, and so lightweight that it doesn’t really leave an impact. I’ve never wanted this blog to be preachy and overwrought. Okay, everything I write is overwrought, you have me there, but preachy is still out. I don’t want to be the high horse guy. So hopefully this is centred and reasoned.

My own history on the subject of piracy is mixed- I had Napster in the tail end of the “hey, we can get music for free!” golden age, and only in the last several years found a moral footing that fits what I really think, and I can easily talk about at parties (and, again, get appropriately self-righteous about). In summary: I used to do it. I don’t now.

In thinking for quite a while on it, I’ve come to believe that it’s not as simple as whether you can afford it, or whether you don’t want to pay for it. It does, to a point, come down to what we value. Stealing something tangible? No, we won’t do that. We’ll pay $1500 for a computer, $500 for an iPhone, $200 a month for insurance, $60 a month for that data plan (but not $10 for a bank account, though that’s diverging more into work than I care to). But there are some who won’t buy games/music.

My viewpoint on a lot of things has changed over the last several years. Working and learning and having life experiences has changed how I understand the world, and how I think the pieces fit together. Though we may individually consider ourselves drops in the ocean, everything we do has an impact. Piracy is not a victimless crime.

So let’s deal with the products that tend to get pirated. Economics is, at it’s core, supply, and demand. Products are priced at a point where companies believe that demand and supply will be exactly where they need to be. There are those that object to high prices, and supposedly lining the pockets of corporations in purchasing things. That’s a noble enough line, on it’s surface. No one’s forcing you to buy it. But you still want that computer game. You NEED it.

So, you’ve found your game, it’s on your computer. You get your torrent program, let your computer run overnight, and get your game. You’ve  successfully beaten Insert Name Of Big Game Corporation, got your fake CD key, and can buy more groceries this month. You got it for free. Congratulations!

Here’s where it collapses:  It wasn’t free to make. The corporation has $60 less on it’s balance sheet, sure. But who made that game? The testers who worked 60-hour weeks in crunch time to iron out the bugs. The marketers who made fancy commercials with that really annoying guy to promote it. The coders who drink far too much caffeine in a day. The guy who spent time on the interface, making pretty buttons that cast all those spells. The dude who made that box art for the collector’s edition (box art you don’t get to enjoy, granted, but still). Among many, many others.

You didn’t pay for that game. Some others did. What makes you more special than them? I’m asking honestly. If it sucks, and no one buys it, fine. Companies live and die on quality every week. That’s the nature of the beast. But we need to keep in mind that when we steal something, it affects things well beyond our account balance.

I’ve also heard the argument (mostly with music) that people want to “support the artists”. Another noble line. The exciting thing about this new, fancy, digital age is there are so many ways we can get media now. iTunes gives us individual songs instead of whole CDs. Every year, independent game companies and bands cut out the middleman more and more, releasing on the internet. If you don’t want to get everything from a big store, head to Google- if it exists, you can find it.

Additionally, no one’s forcing any band to do anything. You think they don’t know what they get into when they sign a contract (usually)? You think they don’t know it’s a business? It’s sad to say sometimes, but it’s how the world works.

I guess the summary is this: If you truly value getting the money to the creators, then there are ways of doing that. If you’re just looking to save money, that’s where it gets less explicable. Somewhere in that process, you’re cheating actual people, and you need to know that you are. I get not wanting to feed a fat cat CEO- who did put in work to get where he was, it should be noted- but you’re not just screwing him, you’re screwing people as well.

What it comes down to is what we value. How we act will reflect those values. If how you approach piracy is something you can justify, then a few poorly written words on the internet from me aren’t going to change your mind. If it isn’t something you can justify, then I encourage you to find a path that fits with your values.

Long roads

Friends of mine got married recently. Weddings are, by their nature, joyous occasions, and knowing the bride as well as I did, it was easy to share in that moment.

The lady and I took a walk a day after the wedding, mostly because it was nice outside. Well, we were sure it was going to be: it started out windy.

Analytical, thoughtful sorts that we are, we got to talking about the wedding, among other things. I’m grateful for our conversations; that she allows my wandering mind room to air itself out, and is equally thoughtful when we converse. Her perspective and patience grounds me, and I trust her with my thoughts. It’s freeing to have that.

She’d seen the dark side of those relationships, in her work. She talked about someone who’d been married three times, and was dealing with being abused by her current spouse (and potentially prior ones, from the sound of it). A marriage, a relationship, a trust, gone wrong.

I’d seen that dark side as well, to a point. My own work with banking and finances has shown that money can divide people in ways that we cannot conceive. You need to trust the other person, implicitly, with everything. When you don’t, it breaks down. Even dealing with just the money end of a separation, there’s been a couple of clients where my primary purpose was as much counselor as creditor (a role that doesn’t pay, sadly).

Marriage is joyful, and should be celebrated. During the service, the pastor reminded us and the happy couple that there would be troubled times. The key was that both partners needed to put the other one first. In those struggles, that was where they would find a path, a balance that could be achieved. With the abuse victim, she was putting her husband first (to her detriment), but her husband was not returning that favor, to say the least. The balance was askew.

But people still seek love, and others get married. Even in dark times, when people struggle, when there are practical reasons not to get married, when people are duped and betrayed and taken advantage of in ways that are unimaginable, people still seek out genuine companionship. Some see that as unfortunate. I  see it as an encouragement, that there is belief, faith, people pursuing that togetherness when practicality and separation could rule the day.

We talked about all that, and so much more. A gorgeous afternoon, my lovely lady for company as we walked, conversations ranging from the mundane to the meaningful, all combining to make me feel like all was right with the world. And for that moment, it was.

Even in the troubles, in the lady’s work and mine, having seen the darkness, we were here, on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon, walking along the road, confident that the wind would die and the sun was going to come out.

Right in the heart

“I’m not well adjusted. I’m barely keeping it together. I’m constantly texting… and there’s no one at the other end. I’m a grown man who can’t even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I’m afraid that they’ll see that I am broken.” – Jeff Winger, “Community”

“I wrote and wrote, trying to be as great as everyone thought I was. Trying to earn that applause. I’m STILL trying.” – Richard Castle, “Castle”

MLB 2K13

Baseball is heeeeeeeeere, time to make my usual one sentence predictions. * for wildcards!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

EAST

1. Rays – Portrayed as the plucky underdog, but that pitching staff has some thunder.

2. Blue Jays* – Offseason winners after flashing some cash, but will be a very tight race.

3. Yankees – Lost a lot of punch, getting older/worse/hurt.

4. Red Sox – Not far off, but need some luck to make the postseason.

5. Orioles – Surprised a lot of teams last year, it won’t happen again.

CENTRAL

1. Tigers – Victor Martinez coming back and Torii Hunter coming in helps solidify their hold on the division.

2. Indians – Did good waiting out top free agents, but still need some pitching.

3. White Sox – Lost a couple pieces, need some help from replacements to go higher.

4. Royals – A curious offseason, trading one of the game’s best prospects for a good (but not great) starter.

5. Twins – Barren farm system just starting to get restocked, and the major league club is a disaster.

WEST

1. A’s – Won the division last year, and the two closest teams got worse.

2. Angels* – Killer lineup, and some questions about the pitching staff.

3. Rangers – Strange to see the Rangers with good pitchers and uncertain hitting, usually that’s Anaheim’s thing.

4. Mariners – Extending Hernandez a great idea, but went after the wrong bats.

5. Astros – Beating the Twins out for the worst AL team this year, but bottoming out is probably the right idea.

NL

EAST

1. Nationals – Will be staring down at the division for a while, I think.

2. Braves* – Losing Chipper hurts, but the machine will keep rolling without him.

3. Phillies – The solution for them wasn’t to keep getting older.

4. Mets – Will stay out of the basement (barely)…

5. Marlins – …Mostly because these guys sold EVERYONE to Toronto- thanks!

CENTRAL

1. Cardinals – A great lineup, solid pitching, and excellent prospects ready to step in.

2. Reds* - Not a slight on them, they should be with the Cardinals almost step-for-step.

3. Pirates - Have started hot and faded the last couple years, figure that doesn’t change.

4. Brewers – Have lost a lot of talent the last couple of offseasons.

5. Cubs – Still a long ways to go.

WEST

1. Giants – Hit all the right buttons the last few years, is that going to change?

2. Dodgers – Probably need to hide the chequebook from the owners, but the spending should almost have the desired effect.

3. Diamondbacks – Trading away talent for grit is a wonderful theory, until you discover that talent can’t be taught.

4. Padres – Some sneaky-good youth there, but will be well out of the playoff running for now.

5. Rockies – Expensive offence, but at least the pitching is awful.

The night Jarome got traded

I thought it was my fault. It wasn’t, really- life, much like comedy, depends on timing, and we just happened to time it poorly.

We’d planned to go to a game, with the idea being that we would see Jarome Iginla in a Flames jersey one more time before he inevitably got moved. Two choices, and we’d gone with the later one because it was easier to plan. Wednesday, March 26th, against the Colorado Avalanche. One week before the trade deadline, as it turned out. We were cutting it close.

I heard it, waiting for my friend: Jarome Iginla was a healthy scratch from the game, and a deal was imminent. He was probably going to be traded, that night. Our plan to see him was for naught.

It needed to happen, and we knew it. I’d put up a brave face about being ready for it before, made all the rational arguments about why it made sense. And for the most part, Flames fans knew it. The team was second last in the West, and we could probably do that without someone who’s been part of the organization for over fifteen years.

It was interesting seeing the reactions: universally, Flames fans were sad, and others were sad with us. Iginla was a huge loss, as much for his name as his game at this point. Online, I had one friend who reacted to that reaction, suggesting we cheer for “the logo on the front of the jersey, not the name on the back”. Which was interesting to me: they didn’t need to be mutually exclusive. Going to the game with my friends, hearing the chatter on the radio, from people around us, it was hard to think that way, for that night. Even without being there, the night was about Iginla, and it was hard to ignore.

Not gonna see him tonight, kid.

We met at the rink, and went down to watch the Flames warm up. There were three of us, and we all had jerseys: two red, one white, and two of us had Iginla jerseys. Most Flames games, you’d see a lot of Iginla jerseys anyway, it just seemed to take on more meaning today.

Of COURSE we were dwelling on it. Iginla was a generational talent, one who’d been with the team for a long time, playing on a great many terrible Flames outfits without any complaint, and a big part of any success they’d had over his time. He was a great player, by all accounts a great teammate, and a face of the franchise that any other team would have taken in his prime. He  was a perfect hockey player: he scored, he passed, he hit, he fought, and he’d smile and shake hands and make nice after the game. He was the greatest player the franchise had ever seen. Flames fans were lucky to watch him play, and to have him be the voice of the team. We thought that was worth celebrating, and remembering, and being sad it was done.

It was a shame over the last several years that the Flames hadn’t been able to take advantage of his talents. Outside of one magical playoff run in ’04, there hadn’t been much success for him here. And none of that was his fault. Hockey being a team game, he couldn’t really control what happened to the other 18 players that took the ice with him each night.

It was strange, given the direction of the team the last few years, that he was still here. We all knew it was coming, that he would move on at some point, be it by his career ending, or moving to a better team of his own free will. Each year just seemed to make it worse, to make it harder. It gave us this absurd hope, that everything would break right, that the team would put it together again, that Jarome would put them on his back and lead them deep into the playoffs, as he did many years ago.

At this point of his career, Iginla couldn’t be the best player on a good team. He tried, and never complained about his burden in Calgary, but it was easy to see. He would never ask for a trade publicly, being the good soldier. But how could the ownership watch this team and conclude that it was a contender right now? Was it nights like this, where they shared that absurd hope with fans, that made them think if everything broke right, maybe, just maybe, it could happen again?

We took our seats, and the game got going. Iginla wasn’t playing, and the Flames even brought out backup goalie Joey Macdonald instead of well known starter Miikka Kiprusoff (also rumored to be dealt at some point, though if it was happening that night, no one was talking about it).

The Flames came out inspired, taking an early 2-0 lead, outshooting Colorado 12-2 in the first period. This frustrated me: Where was this the first 30 games? Why couldn’t they match this effort every night? Ignoring that Colorado was as much of a bottom feeder as Calgary this year, watching the Flames had been painful. They could lose to any team on any night. They simply weren’t good enough unless it all broke right.

Even as the Flames played hard, sporadic chants of “Iggy” broke out during the game. Once at the beginning after the puck dropped, and a couple times as it went along. We joined in. “Iggy” was still in our hearts and minds, even if there were many others on the ice demanding our attention, and getting it as they took and kept the lead.

It was a good game for our boys in red, despite the lack of star power. Though they didn’t match the first period’s intensity, the Flames led the whole way. As they seem to do, Colorado got close at the end, down by one late, leading to a tight, defensive finish. I hate/love watching the end of games- I feel like the Flames get too conservative, and let teams hold the puck in their zone, but it was just as much Colorado being aggressive, I think.

The action was tense, and Colorado was pressing. Late in the third, with the action going in the Flames’ zone near their goalie, there was someone a couple sections over who tried to start an “Iggy” chant again. Some joined in half-heartedly, but with the game close, and our attention on the play, his effort didn’t get much traction. The cowboy hatted gentleman was not happy with the rest of us. “Seriously?!” he yelled, flipping off the crowd around him.

We couldn’t, though. I’d wanted to, to respect a player and a man who’d been a part of this franchise for so many years, representing all the best in professional sports while playing for my favourite team, establishing himself as the best player in the franchise’s history. But the game was close, and the team was trying to win. They asked for our attention in their play and got it. That night, their effort demanded it.

My friend online had been right- almost. In the end, we cheered for the Flames logo on the front of the jersey. But we’ll never forget Jarome Iginla’s name on the back.

Lean

Strength is appealing. The idea of having it, anyway. I’m not sure what draws me to it: whether it’s a baser, masculine thing, or the idea that I WANT to be strong, to be a man that someone can rely on, to be a rock in a sea of troubles.

I have a hard time admitting when I struggle, because I want to seem strong. I wasn’t the hard-bodied Greek god, so I had to make it up in other ways. I’d see men in movies, see my father, not giving an inch under pressure, stone-faced under daunting trials, and think to myself, ‘I want to be that’. But I didn’t understand what it meant to be that way.

Strength comes in many forms, and it took me a while to figure that out. I had to see my own weakness and acknowledge it, not hide from it. Sometimes being stone-faced wasn’t right, when my insides were churning, when it was hiding from the fear and struggle rather than facing it.

Being a thinker, someone who remembers, my weaknesses stay with me. Sometimes the fear, the uncertainty, built up to a point where I couldn’t take it, and I would break down, with friends, or family, letting it all come out in a flood, so much that I or them couldn’t take it. I’m so grateful for my family, who supported me in my uncertain moments.

I still feel my anxiety, my want to be stronger. So when I can be a rock for someone, it’s something I can appreciate, something I understand better because of my own experiences. Strength is not necessarily being stone-faced and not reacting, the unemotional, uncaring action stars of yore. But facing my weaknesses, knowing where I struggle, helps me to understand it, makes it less daunting.

I can’t make it all go away, though. The urge to be a protector, a provider, will always be there, as someone who wants to be a man. I’m understanding why I feel that way, and what can make me good at it. If I know my weaknesses, they don’t scare me as much.

You can lean on me, because in my weakness, I have found strength.

Waiting out the storm

I sat on the couch, and looked out the window. I was far enough away from the window that I couldn’t quite tell if it was still snowing. The wind was making that problematic.

It was snowing then, and had been for a while. Everything outside was blanketed in white, the blast of winter reminding us that yes, we were in Calgary. Between the snow, and the company, I didn’t want to go home. She made me feel alive, accepted, amazing, and I didn’t want that to go away.

The snow seemed odd, otherworldly, somehow. It marked a drastic change, that day. I’d helped a friend move the day before. It wasn’t snowing then. Between the drastic weather change, and my own state of mind, it felt like weeks since I’d been there, helping out. Even my body betrayed no evidence of the prior day: I wasn’t sore. I was relaxed, safe here with her, even with the new snow showing no mercy to the almost spring-like city that had existed the day before.

“You look pensive,” she said, lying there with me on the couch. She wasn’t concerned, merely observant. That was her way: calm, collected, and caring.

I took a moment, smiling almost reflexively in response. My seeming pensive wasn’t an accurate reflection of how I felt. I was content, there on that couch, and wanted to stay there.

“I was trying to think of something profound,” I replied, recalling our conversation. We’d been talking, sharing, floating somewhere in between enjoying the quiet and the noise. There were other thoughts I’d had, but I didn’t know how to share them, in that moment. If I was pensive, it was because I was thinking.

Some people have a hard time dealing with success, and in relationships, I’m that person. When things go well, I wonder what I’m missing. Some of that’s pragmatic, and some is overthinking. Whether it’s insecurity, uncertainty, or some other neurosis I’m not qualified to describe, that fear was drifting through my mind that afternoon, even in a time and a place that I wanted to be. It was wonderful to be there, with someone who accepted me as I was, who shared some of my fears,and didn’t dwell on them as much as I did. It was enough that we were together.

Some of that fear is normal, and that’s something I’ve learned. We all have these insecurities and troubles and wonders and worries. Some buried privately in our hearts, hoping that no one ever sees them, and some well out in the open, that we have to live with as we go from day to day. She wanted to know what I thought. That made the fear seem less daunting. Maybe I wasn’t dreaming, maybe this moment, this contentment, here on the couch, was real. I wasn’t pensive, really. Just thinking too much.

I didn’t need to look outside, then. If it was snowing, windy, the kind of weather that would make one hesitate, it didn’t matter, really. The storm would pass soon enough.