It’s been a challenging summer. Mostly my own fault, I suppose. I went to my grandmother’s funeral, ended a relationship (or had it ended, whichever), and am helping out more at church, after a tough couple of years there. That, and I’m more convinced than ever that the job I’m doing right now isn’t the one I’ll be doing forever.
All of this has contributed to me being even more introspective than usual. My inner existential streak has decided it wants to come up for air and stick around, which is problematic at the best of times. Congratulations, reader, because you’ll get to hear all about it. Stay a while, and listen.
Relationships define so much of who we we are and what we do. My relationship to family, friends, work, church, people I meet. The choices we make in those relationships affect everything around us. That’s staggering to think about, at times. I often get caught in the paralysis of it- thinking out the ramifications of every choice, and seeing how it could turn out badly.
So it’s interesting that so much of what I do at work is instinctive- I try and go for what’s right, in all things. In a job where an aggressive salesman would do much better than me (numbers-wise, and it’s always about the numbers at the bank), I rarely opt for the hard sell. That’s not me. That’s never been me, in anything, for better and worse. Whether by design or by accident, I let the chips fall where they may. I’ve often been described as “laid-back”, and been told how that kind of patience and cool helps me in a tough spot.
I feel like I’m struggling with sitting back and letting things happen, though- not (necessarily) just in work, but in life. I talk about an existential streak, and I feel like it applies here. Why am I here? Why have I made the choices I’ve made? They haven’t all been right. But they’ve FELT right, most of the time. I wish I could explain it.
I’ve felt withdrawn the last few months, and some of that’s been intentional. Hasn’t all been good, though. When you spend too much time in your own head, you get to wonder too much about that- the ramifications of wrong choices. You can think it over, discuss it with close friends, but me, I still get anxious. I always get anxious.
In talking with people, I keep saying that what I’m doing at work is developing me, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I feel like some of the life events that happened have done that as well. That I’m being built, that I’m preparing for… what? I wish I knew.
Why am I here? What do I expect? What do I want? I keep feeling like it should be something more. I just don’t know quite what yet.