Breaking forth

“What are you thinking?”

Have I ever answered that question honestly? I don’t know.

That’s the problem. If I answered it honestly, we’d probably be here for a while. Is it what I’m thinking right then, or what I’ve been thinking about for a while?

Do you really want to know what’s on my mind? What’s in my mind? We’d be here a while. But let’s try.

I’m thinking about work tomorrow- I’ve got the securities textbook sitting on my bed, having been mostly ignored tonight. I’m wondering if Greg’s still here, hanging with Dennis, after we watched 24 and played Smash Bros. earlier. I’m worrying about whether or not we’ll get the docs in time for a client to sign, same as I agonized over a particular phone call I had to do today that went almost exactly as I thought it would. I’m smirking slightly at that, since that fits the definition of “small stuff”, and Dad told me not to sweat the small stuff last week.

I’m worrying about whether I really will make it in a sales job, when my greatest strength is the same as my greatest weakness- wanting to help people, wanting to relate to them. I’m thinking about a training call I have tomorrow, knowing I’ll spend most of the morning preparing, hoping that my focus will be better than it was today. I wonder if the gal who’s supposed to do a protection/insurance workshop with us is actually going to show up this time- twice we’ve booked her in and she hasn’t been able to make it, this’ll probably be the day it happens, when I’ve got a training call too. That’ll be my luck.

I’m thinking about Mom and Dad, and my shoulder twinges at the thought of moving that china cabinet again when they move to their new place. I know I’ll miss Thursday night dinners, and the ease of having their place near where I work. I remember a hand I misplayed at the poker game on Sunday (I swear I had a six and not a four, durr). Dad’s birthday next week, what am I getting him?

I wonder how it is I can be witty and smiling in the presence of people, and then sad sometimes when I’m alone. And at times when given the choice, I will choose the latter.

I’m thinking about my spiritual life, and how the weekend made me realize I was struggling. How I’d allowed myself to fall into a routine that didn’t include God regularly, and how that wasn’t good for me. I’m praying, and reading, and feeling moody as I grapple with what needs changing, and fight demons that have no face or no name, and come for me when I’m alone.

I think about relationships, and love. I wonder if I’m giving the wrong impression, or the right one, pushing too hard or pulling back too much, still feeling the occasional reminder of heartaches past. I want to be strong, be a man of God, even as I feel weak and uncertain and insecure about myself and the possibilities.

I feel the optimism that spring brings to baseball, even as I know the Jays will likely not be good this year.

I think about being courageous, I wonder what that would be like, as I struggle against the fears that dog me, in all aspects of life. I worry about whether I’m too honest, or not honest enough with my struggles. I fear people realizing I’m not nearly as good a man as they think I am.

I think that’s about it, though. I think.

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