Why yes, I DID win the Ten-ette award for Best One Liners. How did you know?

With apologies to Colette, because I’m totally stealing her thing for this one.

Dave: I’m pulling double duty at your wedding, right? Best man and MC?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dave: So what’s the play on the speech then? Do I just stand up there and do it, or do I introduce myself, go to my seat, and come back up?

(A little background for this next one: Our branch has a “Believe” theme for this year, and a little statue-type thing that we give out week to week for something excellent that someone in the branch has done. Kind of like the green hard hat the Flames used to give out, where whoever wins it one game gives it out for the next one. Kim, our branch manager, keeps track of who gets it)

Kim: Can someone send me the list of who all got the ‘Believe’ statue for February so I can reward them? Thanks.
Me: If I said I had an unprecedented four week run, would you believe me?

Melissa (asking about jobs for her): So, what do you think about teaching community college english?
Me: I wouldn’t do it myself, but that has more to do with me being an awful teacher.

(At a branch meeting before we open)
Kim: Okay, does anyone else have anything?
Lauren (excitedly): Did everyone see Survivor last night?!
(All the women start discussing Survivor)
Mat (to me): We need more guys at this branch.
Me: At least it’s not Twilight.

(Later on the SAME DAY)
Me (dropping a paper from the printer on Kim’s desk): Is this yours?
Kim: Yeah, thanks. I just ordered the new Twilight movie! Are you excited for me?
Me (deadpan): No. Not even a little bit.
Kim: Come on, Dave. Some girl will drag you to this someday, and you’ll see it.
Me: Not happening. Twilight would be a deal breaker.
Kim: Maybe that’s why you’re still single.
Me: And have that last sliver of my manhood left, thank you very much.

(Someone commenting on my IM status being “doing laundry”)
Melissa: L.A.M.E.
Me: I thought you’d appreciate the ironing of the situation.

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