When everything is wrong, we move along

Still in mourning over the Jays trading Doc, though I covered that some before. It’s weird reading it now and remembering how I felt then, it still feels poignant.

It’s a rare occasion when I’m not thinking about something, which is a troublesome proposition for someone like me prone to over thinking. Especially in the middle of this season of the year, when there’s no shortage of tasks to accomplish- training at work my head is still swimming reading for the Canadian Securities course christmas presents to buy for everyone and Mom’s birthday on the 1st don’t forget that Alex is over today so let’s hang out with him youth event on Friday- what am I doing oh wait there’s the email, should probably get around to printing that passport application FINALLY asked Josh and Ryan about that make sure about that guarantor thing, Christmas again what am I getting Dennis isn’t it funny that I’m still not sure what I’m getting him after all we’ve only been brothers our whole lives I should be able to find that perfect gift shouldn’t I late day tomorrow cripes I’m not off until seven am I going to Mom and Dad’s for dinner I’ll see how I feel at four need to send Jared an email about that event Ken emailed me about the website I should probably do something for that after all I said I’d help him on that for his book ooo rice krispie squares.

It’s a bad thing, being a procrastinator and occasionally absent minded when you’ve got things you need to do.

I think I’m starting to get restless about being single, though. This isn’t good, for a variety of reasons. We’ll get back to that, I need to share a brief unspecific story.

There was a gal I worked with a while back, and I got the impression that she was interested in me. This was confirmed by an outside party, to my combination of ego-swelling and dismay.

(I’ve never been wrong on these impressions before, just phenomenally bad at responding to it. But again, we may cover that later.)

Two reasons I kiboshed that possibility: We worked together, and she had a boyfriend (which does make me second guess my impression, but the outside party was convinced). Any way I broke it down, there was no way it ended well for anyone.  So we moved along.

In the past, I know I have distanced myself from the possibility of romantic relationships because of my own insecurities- tying back into the “phenomenally bad reaction” thing. So even if the reasons were legitimate, I still ask myself: am I looking for roadblocks because of me not being comfortable in my own skin? Or trying to be distanced and cold because of how prior relationships had gone?

It’s the kind of question that intrigues me, and fuels my continual waking monologue. Part of why I put it here, I’d be interested to see what other people think about themselves and me. I know I’ve gotten more comfortable and confident in my own skin, but like the turtle in the race, there’s still a long way to go.

But if I’m restless, am I at risk of taking it the other way? Settling because of some need to appear to be making progress on that front, or out of some desire to not be lonely? I don’t want to do that, either. Be dating or in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I want it to mean something. Don’t I?

Could I be ignoring the possibilities in front of me because I’m trying too hard for perfection in that? Or will I be compromising my ideals and patience because someone’s there and available?

This conundrum is DELICIOUS.  And perhaps common.


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