Wallowing in self

This article does a nice job summarizing my position on the Flames (and to a lesser extent, Mike Keenan as coach). I suggest you read it if you’re into that sort of thing.

If not, read on. I’ll warn you, I’m not sure where it’s going to go.

Even with exams over, I’ve found it hard to generate much enthusiasm of late. It bothers me that I can’t, which in turn leads to an analysis of the hows and whys, and inevitable frustration when the power of my mind cannot discern why.

People ask me how I am- it’s an inevitable conversation opener. I just say “fine”. It’s not that I’m down, but I’m not really up. Just average. Meh. Nondescript.

Though studying/school/work stuff has seemed more of a drag than usual. One email I got from the church with regards to CnC made me groan audibly when I got it (luckily I wasn’t in earshot of anyone), and question internally how I got to where I was. Which is in a position of some influence with regards to the group. Seriously, who thought that was a good idea? Some days I feel like a novice Guitar Hero player having to do the solo from “Hotel California” on a real guitar in one shot.

When I get that way, I think back to before Mike and Leah’s wedding, the first time I’d really done the MC gig (something that changed my life, by the way, thanks M&L). It was the week before, on one particular evening, with the task of MCing the reception struck me in a particular way. I was sitting there, looking at cue cards and watching myself speak in the mirror, and it was a like a light came on.

“I’m going to go do this thing in front of about a hundred people I know, and a bunch of people I love and respect. I can’t mess this up.”

In that moment (several terrifying minutes, that particular moment), I was almost physically ill. My heart threatened to secede from my body (because “pounding out of my chest” sounded too cliche). I thought of all the other times I’d done public speaking, even times I’d gone out of my way to avoid it, so nervous did it make me. I thought I could this? When did THAT particular instinct possess me? Did I think about it before opening my yap and saying “yes”?

It was in that evening- and many other evenings that followed, for that and other events I’d do the MC thing for, and gain more confidence- that I learned the secret. I didn’t think- well, not to the point that hesitation could enter into the equation. Not when I said yes, and not when I finally did get up in front of those people I knew and didn’t know, and every carefully practiced word went right out the window, and my stomach leapt up to take a seat beside my throat (And the microphone cut out- man, was THAT a near panic attack. But that’s not the point).

Don’t think (or rather, don’t overthink)- do. Be natural. Be yourself.

Sound advice, that. I could stand to listen to it more.


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