“You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with the wave of a
magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us–the things that make
us who we are. I don’t want my pain taken away. I need my pain.”
James T. Kirk, in “Star Trek V: The Final Frontier”
I watched it end yesterday, despite our best efforts. It meant a lot to me, more than I’d ever brought myself to say or express. Perhaps it was that lack of expression that doomed it. I’ll leave that for smarter people to decide.
Today was a day to be sad, to reflect, to start to move on, start to keep walking. When putting one foot in front of the other was the bravest thing, the best thing, perhaps the only thing a man could do.
The pain of it ending is a comfort, in some ways. A reminder of who I am, what I did, why it happened, that I’m still here and feeling and wanting and hoping. I need to remember the pain, even as I try to put the immediacy of it behind me. I need to learn from it, to grow.
For now, I carry the pain with me, because I need it.