If I was not so weak, if I was not so cold

So let’s talk about this budget meeting. We didn’t talk about numbers (thank God), but dealt more with goals and theories and dreams. Which is actually a neat way to do it. The meeting was both productive and interesting, even at two and a half hours.

There are times that I’m not at all comfortable being the youngest guy in the room. I’m someone who finds and knows the warts in myself, and sees them too often among peers I hold in respect, especially those with more experience than me in these matters. Folks, I saw the warts yesterday (still see ’em now, but that’s beside the point).

One of my favourite prayers- and yes, certainly one of the most self-indulgent- is “God, get me through this.” When I’m suffering, or sick, or weak or burdened, and have something I absolutely need or want to do in front of me, that’s what I’ll ask. For the strength and energy to make it through, just enough until I get out the door, and can deal with whatever demons I face on my own. I prayed this on Saturday the other week, before our first CnC study, when I’d been sick or sleeping the majority of the day prior to the evening, and I prayed for this before the meeting yesterday. It’s selfish, and in the former case, stupid (as I learned the day AFTER the CnC study). But it is and was what I asked for, in my limited understanding and want.

I received my selfish wish from Him yesterday morning, of this I’m sure. Even as my problems stayed with me in my mind and heart, I made it through. And by all accounts, I knocked my last minute report and presentation on College and Careers out of the park, and really got across what we’re trying to do. The meeting being successful and productive for me also furthered my theory that I’m an extrovert- someone who gets strength and energy from being around people rather than on my own.

So I’m here still, with the same problems dancing in my head as before the meeting. Self-made, as usual, and as in all cases with someone who overthinks, larger than they ought to be. There is a light at the end of the tunnel- there’s always a light. I just hope it’s not a train.

God, get me through this.


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