We have a flat tire on the car. Well, had. After repeated attempts at
loosening the bolts on the tire, we finally found success in removing
them, and then, the tire itself (without tearing any shoulder muscles,
though I’m fairly sure there was some cursing involved. Sorry. But
those bolts were on TIGHT). Dennis might have to miss work tomorrow to
get it fixed, since we really shouldn’t ride the spare any longer than
we need to.

Seeing as we needed to get the car checked out anyways- and will soon
need to get new tires, according to our last checkup- we may attempt to
kill several birds with one stone. And by we, I mean him, since he’s
done an increasing percentage of the driving of late.

Fun and games tonight, with 2 being the reccuring number. 2 rounds of bowling- second both times, if memory serves; 2 games of Scene It (Ryan
won both times), where some of the “Buzz” cards seemed to come up
twice, topped off by two glasses of Dr. Pepper (either that or Pepsi,
and you know I’m not touching that stuff).

And how many times did we drive down that alley before we found the apartment? That’s right. Two.

Speaking of driving (or, perhaps, not driving), I love being able to
walk to work or school, even in the winter. It’s one of the few times
I’m away from things, distractions, people, even when the knowledge
that I am going to work is foremost on my mind (or, the relief at being
done a shift). I keep meaning to get up early one morning, go sit in
that little park area on the way to the store, and just bask for a
while. Not be writing, or gaming, or doing something else to distract.

I remember Rob Collins, our small group leader back when I was in high
school (was that six years ago? I’m freaking ANCIENT now), and how he
introduced me to the idea of getting away from our ‘stuff’, and just
listening to God. When he took us camping, he sent us into the forest,
and told us not to come back until either we thought we’d heard what we
had to, or he honked the horn, which he assured would not do for a few
hours. 

I haven’t done that for a while, and I know I need to.  I have too
much stuff, too many things going on when I’m at home. I could go for a
walk, but let’s write this story. I could go read the Bible, but oh,
Stargate’s coming on. I could pray for my friends, my family, but let’s
go wax the floor with some poor sap at Madden football instead.

Yeah, it’s pretty cliche, but it doesn’t get cliche until it happens to everyone.

And now, for something completely different- going out on a limb here,
and hoping it won’t snap. Really angsty, but that’s unavoidable. I
don’t have an exact date on this, but a ballpark guess has it as being
a couple of years old.

Yeah, it was written with someone in particular in mind, but a lot of
my ‘romantic’ leanings tend to end up around here. Looking for
understanding- not pity. There IS a difference.

***

If you only knew. But if you did, you’d turn away.

That’s what I’d decided. I had it all figured out.

Put on the smile, the laugh, and walk away, with you none the wiser.

It was the perfect plan.

It didn’t work.



I was supposed to move on, forget. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This was not according to plan, not at all.

You stayed with me, all this time.
Not a day went by where I didn’t think about it- about you. Of regrets,
and chances not taken.


Of me, so afraid to step into the fire that I refused to even acknowledge it’s presence.

So afraid of exposing myself, of being rejected, of not measuring up.

You were perfect. I was, and am not.
If you knew me, saw my weakness (more than you had already), you would
not accept me. I was certain of this.


I had it all figured out.



In the light, you saw the smile, the laugh. Like the magician, you saw what I wanted you to see. You saw the walls I’d made.

But you didn’t see the tears, when
the walls crumbled, at home, alone. The frustration. The
second-guessing. The longing, that I worked so hard to hide. I wasn’t
good enough, and would never be. You could never know. That was what
was best. At least, that’s what I’d thought.


The perfect plan- by an imperfect man. And thus, doomed to failure.



It is still with me, now- and I stay
with the plan, like the captain, with his ship sinking around him.
‘Why?’ some part of me asks, as it has all this time. ‘Resolve this.
Move on.’


But I have tried. Lord help me, I
can’t. It remains, even after time, distance, and seperate paths.
Against all definable logic, it remains. It wasn’t supposed to be like
this.




And still, I push you away. You must never know.

***

I’d feel terrible ending on that depressing note, so I’ll continue with some (hopefully) intelligent discourse.

I felt like sharing that piece, as ‘that’ subject has been occupying my mind of late. At least in part courtesy of some other intelligent thoughts on
it, though some workmates have helped that track as well. One in particular
observed that he thought that my next romantic relationship would be an
excellent, stable one- as I was grounded, patient, and willing to
listen. Having had trouble in his own relationship in part due to a
lack of those things, he suspected that those qualities would bode well
in me.

I thanked him for his encouragement (admittedly, I took it with a grain
of salt, as he’s been trying to set me up for months), but there was a
bitter part of me that wondered: then why isn’t it happening? Why
hasn’t it happened? And this inevitably leads to that self-analysis
that so dominates my wandering thoughts.

Again- looking for understanding, and hoping to provoke an intelligent thought or three. Not
pity. I already get the “You’ll find someone” bit enough from Mom,
thanks. 😉

I think that’s it for now. Hope that limb didn’t snap.

EDIT: Thanks to everyone that comments faithfully, and even to those of
you who have the chutzpah to do it face-to-face. You say very nice
things, and I really do appreciate them.

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7 thoughts on “

  1. shakeNshine

    It’s the strangest thing about “romance”………….it seems to hit us when we least expect it.  The moment we resign ourselves to NOT wanting it…….WHAMMO……there it is staring us in the face.  Your friend Rob Collins and his advice about “getting away from stuff”  hit the nail on the head.  All you have to do is let go of it,  (and yeah that’s like soooooooo easy to say but NOT so easy to do)  but I’m sure if you take that walk through the “forest”  you’ll come out with the answer.   

  2. DangeresqueDan

    What do you mean you wont touch that stuff??? I love Pepsi… anyways awesome post. I know what you mean about not taking the time out for God. Its so hard yet so easy… but we have to remember that God loves us no matter what and sometimes I forget that. Then guilt builds up in us and keeps or pushes us further into our hole. Let go of the guilt and just live and live for Him, because its not how many times you read the Bible a day or how many times you pray its if you do it with your heart and acutally try to live what you’ve read. Dwyane said it once in one of his messages and I know I’m not going to say this right but its something like its dangerous to come to church every week and not heed to the message. We’re in a race, a battle to the end man. Your posts are good to read I love them eventhough its been a little while since I read one. I hope some of it made sense I’m still trying to figure things out as well… But anyways I’ll pray for you. God Bless.

  3. atomic_spirituality

    I just ate a chocolate chipp cookie, so I’m in the mood to wax poetic…
    Don’t be in too much of a hurry to find a “romantic entaglement”. Not that I have anything against romance (everything is peachy keen with Joyce and I), but I find that it’s given wayyyyyyy too much emphasis in Christian circles.
    I know too many people who are torn up inside because they don’t have “a girl” or “a man”. Young Christians are made to think that as soon as they are done school, it’s time for them to find a mate, settle down and start raising a family. I think that’s a load.
    God is supposed to be all sufficient for us right? Too many times, I hear of couples that have broken up or gotten a divorce… because they were expecting their mate to be everything that God was supposed to be for them in the first place. I think that’s why the divorce rate is so high among Christians today, especially newly married Christians. Sort of a romantic idolatry, if you will.
    Pursue God with all your heart, and all your soul and all your mind, and let everything else “just happen”.
    However, if God does bring someone across your path, you would be foolish to not grab that opportunity by the lips and shake it for all it’s worth.
    (Joyce and I just had a long talk about this subject, that’s why this comment is so long)

  4. ShadowMinistriesInternational

    I;d love to get away too someday maybe its and idea i think its a plan man to get away. and listen to God hae not doene that for a while ;ve heard God speak to me before the last few tiems its been in the city and a few times at re-vive i did not go this year. but that is a smashing idea to go out into a forest or a retreat plance and listen to
    God just as you wrote in your blog i know i need to to it to so i’d join you

  5. Matuga

    No missing work today. But one soon-to-be-wiped-out Dennis who’s also filling in for you at curling tonight.You’re making supper on Tuesday.

  6. no_wings

    Carving out time with God can be so hard. I’m really struggling to do it right now, but I agree with Penny about “getting away from stuff”.  Sometimes the best way to get away is to sit in your own personal prayer closet and just let God minister in silence.  I highly remember reading a book on Lectio Divina by Basil Pennington if you’re interested in prayer meditation and learning how to get away without actually physically getting away. As hard as Lectio is the first few times, it gets really good as God begins to carve away at the pray-er’s soul. Also, if you’re interested in prayer I would also recommend “The Way of the Pilgrim” I recommend this to everyone looking for a new perspective on prayer. It’s an incredible book that has really built into my spiritual life as I learned the Jesus Prayer.
    -Kristen

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