There are seven people sleeping in this house right now. Well, six (Dennis is but a few feet away from me, camped out in a sleeping bag in my room- and I’m still typing away. Wee), but you get the idea.

Recent events (and, resolution of said events- work seems to be coming to a positive resolution, but we’ll see) have brought an introspective mood. I’m taking stock of myself, what I have, and what I want to be.

(Warning: heavy stuff ahead)

I thank God for putting me in a good situation, one which I am humbled and blessed beyond recognition to be in. I have far too much, and appreciate far too little of it. I often wonder why I am here, now, in this situation- when there are other, better people who struggle far worse than I. I live with my brother, Dennis, and a dear friend, Alex, who keep me grounded, keep me sane, through these trival troubles. I have the support of people far and near, and the love of good friends and family (A nod to my parents, whose love and support go above and beyond what anyone could ask).

Beyond my better-than-stable finances, I am rich. And I can’t help but feel that I don’t deserve to be. I have gifts, and don’t feel as if I’m using them. I don’t know what I am, and what I want to be. Why has God blessed ME so? Why not those I see out there, working for Him, who deserve better than I? 

I feel His presence around me, wanting to change me, to work with me.  I know I have my personal demons. I struggle with them, and lose my share of battles. I am shamed by my sin, and thoughts and feelings that I have from day to day that are unfit for any man or beast. God wants to take these walls down, take my sin- but I will not let him. Why? Why do I cling to this, knowing the futility in struggling with it, and my own inadequacy in beating it?

I sit at church, occasionally a step away from breaking down in tears at my own guilt (once, it happened, at an odd time), and feel the doubt, the fear gnaw at me. For someone like me who is something of a “loner”, it’s terrifying to be exposed, to “share” with others. I know He wants to break me down, but it scares me. It scares me beyond anything I’ll ever admit, in my sarcastic, admonishing day-to-day manner. To shine the light on my darkest places, to have me exposed before Him, before those I know, is something that I fear.

I can’t believe I’m writing this. But it is something I feel the need to share with you, with those I call friend (and those who just happened to stop by randomly- I apologize. I’m usually not this angsty).

Good night.


6 thoughts on “

  1. i_fly_free

    Hey Dave,
    i finally am getting usedto the idea of this xanga thing. šŸ™‚ How are you doing?  I just wanted to thank you for sharing a piece of your heart and what GOds been doing in your life. Funny how you learn more of a person on line šŸ˜¦ We all need to learn how to be vulnerable in person, i know i do for sure. ANyways, have a great day my friend. 

  2. mjwoller

    Dave, thanks.  Thanks for sharing that with us.  God doesn’t want you to carry it all by yourself.  He has given us the body of Christ so that we can do His work of carrying each other and helping each other through our lives and the trials we face.  I believe he is calling us to start opening up to each other like you just did so that we can pour love into one another’s lives.  We can’t help each other without knowing each other’s struggles.  Grab some guys (one on one or even in group) and chat some time.  I have been trying to do that lately and it is extremely invigorating.  You always have an ear from me and I know many others on this list will second that motion. Mad eprops to you for your courage in laying it all on the line for people to see.  I can’t do that yet, hence my lack of Xanga site.  But you inspire me.
    – Mike 

  3. Emmetovich

    Dave, thanks for sharing the thoughts from deep in your soul. Your willingness to share these feelings is an awesome testament to what God is doing in your life. You’ve encouraged me to share something I hope will be an encouragement to you, and possibly others. Check in the upcoming days, and let me know what you think. As Mike said, there are people all around you who are there for you. The body of Christ is indeed well suited for encouraging and building up each other.
    If Xanga would let me give you 4 eProps, I would.

  4. jonnyhartney

    ‘sup Dave,
    Good post!  Solid introspection, and humility… not that one should be praised for humility…  but it’s good to hear you sharing, and laying it on the line here!  May you inspire more than just others, but yourself also.  Let God inspire you through your own boldness, and desire to see change in your own life; and may that be a testiment to many others as it will be!
    – Jon

  5. Anonymous

    Hey Dave;
    Thank you so much for sharing…it really did inspire me…I’ll admit that I was in a dry slump, but after reading your VERY elogant entry, I felt empowered again, and I want to thank you for that.


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