There are seven people sleeping in this house right now. Well, six (Dennis is but a few feet away from me, camped out in a sleeping bag in my room- and I’m still typing away. Wee), but you get the idea.
Recent events (and, resolution of said events- work seems to be coming to a positive resolution, but we’ll see) have brought an introspective mood. I’m taking stock of myself, what I have, and what I want to be.
(Warning: heavy stuff ahead)
I thank God for putting me in a good situation, one which I am humbled and blessed beyond recognition to be in. I have far too much, and appreciate far too little of it. I often wonder why I am here, now, in this situation- when there are other, better people who struggle far worse than I. I live with my brother, Dennis, and a dear friend, Alex, who keep me grounded, keep me sane, through these trival troubles. I have the support of people far and near, and the love of good friends and family (A nod to my parents, whose love and support go above and beyond what anyone could ask).
Beyond my better-than-stable finances, I am rich. And I can’t help but feel that I don’t deserve to be. I have gifts, and don’t feel as if I’m using them. I don’t know what I am, and what I want to be. Why has God blessed ME so? Why not those I see out there, working for Him, who deserve better than I?
I feel His presence around me, wanting to change me, to work with me. I know I have my personal demons. I struggle with them, and lose my share of battles. I am shamed by my sin, and thoughts and feelings that I have from day to day that are unfit for any man or beast. God wants to take these walls down, take my sin- but I will not let him. Why? Why do I cling to this, knowing the futility in struggling with it, and my own inadequacy in beating it?
I sit at church, occasionally a step away from breaking down in tears at my own guilt (once, it happened, at an odd time), and feel the doubt, the fear gnaw at me. For someone like me who is something of a “loner”, it’s terrifying to be exposed, to “share” with others. I know He wants to break me down, but it scares me. It scares me beyond anything I’ll ever admit, in my sarcastic, admonishing day-to-day manner. To shine the light on my darkest places, to have me exposed before Him, before those I know, is something that I fear.
I can’t believe I’m writing this. But it is something I feel the need to share with you, with those I call friend (and those who just happened to stop by randomly- I apologize. I’m usually not this angsty).